Starting the New Year Out Right!

I have read a lot of resolutions and to do lists and quite honestly, just reading them starts to make me feel overwhelmed. I am terrified of failure, I think everyone is. I pretend like I don't care but really I do. In fact, I can trace this whole weight issue back to not getting in to the law schools I wanted to go to. In fact, I was only accepted to 1. I didn't go because it was my safety school and I never really thought I would not get in to where I wanted to go.

Let me back up a little for those who have just started reading. Long story short (or at least shorter) I had my ds when I was 16. I was educated, knew better, knew about birth control and still managed to wind up pregnant. I told myself no matter what I would still pursue my dreams in spite of all of the obstacles and go to law school. SO, I managed to finish high school early--what would have been my junior year in fact. I went to my local community college since I had never taken the SATs and received several scholarships.

After a few semesters there I was accepted to many top schools but they all required moving across the country and unfortunately I let fear get the best of me and decided to attend a college close to home, which was the best decision for me since I found out I was pregnant with dd1 at 20. I took my junior year of college off and then went back at 21. I finished my jr/sr year of college in 3 semesters and graduated Magna Cum Laude and formed some amazing relationships with a couple of special professors I am still close with today.

When applying to law school I figured I was in--I had an excellent academic record, incredible recommendations including professors who were practicing attorneys, pursued a challenging undregrad curriculum, was VP of a Natl Honors Society, performed community service (without being court-ordered) and what I believed to be a supurb personal statement. I did, however, perform less than stellar on the LSAT (law school admission test). I would like to blame the guy who sat behind me, BREAKING THE RULES with his stupid watch beeping every 5 minutes. I complained to the proctor and he told me I could cancel my test results--well this test costs over 100 bucks and is only offered 4x a year--so I didnt want to do that. Now I wish I would have.

Needless to say when the rejection letters started pouring I was beside myself. I had worked so hard the last 6 years, chasing my dream, to watch it just slip away in the form of a computer generated generic "Sorry you suck" letter. I didn't know what to do with my life, where I would go. I was so hurt, so confused. It seemed like everything I worked toward was in vain and pointless. I was so angry--I beat the odds, I beat the statistics and yet here I was with nothing to show for it. I had spent the last 6 years repeating the mantra "Failure is not an option" and yet I had failed. I failed myself, I failed my children, I failed my husband, I failed my parents. Once I began to "recover" I tried to get out and get a job, and I did, for a Fortune 500 company. 2 weeks later I was sent a letter saying the offer was rescinded due to my credit history. I think that was it for me. I broke. I became extremely depressed, angry, reclusive, and lashed out at everyone. I was so unhappy with myself that I couldnt figure out how anyone could love me or want to be around me. I carried around that anger and guilt for the last 3 years and I think it is time to get over it and let it go.

So I am not sure what all of my resolutions will be, but I am starting with forgiving myself. Hopefully that will allow me to let go and work on the inside and have it reflect on the outside.

Happy New Year!